I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
