you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This is the high leading the old right now
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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