Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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