my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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