I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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