FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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