Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
