you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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