FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
