i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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