I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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