You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
