i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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