you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
