I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
