Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
