I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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