So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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