please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
