so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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