I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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