once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
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and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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