you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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