i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
