Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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