He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
