People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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