I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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