so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
