I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
