quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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