I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
