please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
