you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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