If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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