so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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