she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There r osticjed everywhere
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
