my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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