Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
