Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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