dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
