The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
