I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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