have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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