based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
