just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
