Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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