Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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