I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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