Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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