Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
