i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
