she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
