where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he just fucked me for my cheese.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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