we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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