it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
