Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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