dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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