Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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