Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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