i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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