yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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