Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There r osticjed everywhere
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
